Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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