I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
