If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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