I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
