So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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