me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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