I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
