Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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