I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
