I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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