Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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