I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
