I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
