Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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