LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
