the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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