Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
