Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
