Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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