I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
