I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
