I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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