My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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