Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
home. puking in laundry basket.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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