So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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