Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
