Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
