My sheets look like a crime scene.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
