No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
