Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
