As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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