I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
