I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
