Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
