I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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