I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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