wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
