We're facebook friends in real life
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
