from now on my penis is your penis
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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