How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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