Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
