Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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