Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
