Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
