i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
