it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
