I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
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