i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The uberlube is also flammable
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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