Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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