New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
