I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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