a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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